I'm beginning to see the light
by RustedDreams
Summary: Written for Klaine week 2013 on tumblr, Prompt: anniversary. It's Kurt and Blaine's two year anniversary and even if they aren't technically together Kurt thinks they should celebrate it. Kind of angst kind of fluff who even knows.


Kurt's hand hovers uncertainly over the name, the tears that have been threatening to spill all day still hang precariously to the tips of his eyelashes and the barely there tremble of his fingers is making the phone shake. The thought had hit him as soon as he'd woken up, alone and cold in a bed he'd bought with two people in mind. Of course the general idea, the finality of years and the whisper of faded words _oh there you are_ had been lurking behind him for the past week. Tiptoeing around him when he least expected it and pirouetting away when he tried to grab hold. But he'd woken up and the thought had been there and it hadn't left him since.

Call Blaine.

Two words, repeated like overused advice throughout his day, singing softly through the beats of his dance number, disguised in the click clack of his expensive shoes, concealed in the whisper of conversations that weren't his. It was either one step behind or two steps ahead, catching him off guard when it really wasn't meant to. It's silly, stupid even, he feels like a naïve little boy with a crush on his best friend, vulnerable and insecure and it's so _stupid_ because it's Blaine, his Blaine. But it's not, not anymore.

Two years.

Two years of coffee tainted kisses and unseen heart eyes and hands clutched nervously under tables. Two years of movie marathons and scrapbooking and carrying each other's shopping bags at the mall. Two years since _you move me _and that first real kiss when his heart got caught in his throat and never really left. Two years and this is what's left, pain and loneliness and an unspoken agreement that they are everything and nothing to each other, platonic soulmates or friends in love. It's stupid. But Kurt wishes that just for one day, just for _this _day, they could give up this pretence and be who they were. Kurt and Blaine with their romcoms and their longing looks and their cuddling when no one can see them.

He knows for a fact that Blaine knows, this date is engrained in both of their minds like lyrics to a song that feels like centuries ago _my missing puzzle piece, I'm complete_. But Blaine won't call, Blaine is giving him space, and he really wishes for once that he wasn't, that someone would make this decision for him. Because if he calls Blaine then it means something, it's the recognition that this is their anniversary and that that means something, that both of them have been celebrating it alone all day, they listened to all of _their_ songs in the shower this morning and they drank each other's coffee orders so they could remember the taste of their kisses. It means something and it means everything and Kurt's not sure if he's ready for that. But if he doesn't call then it means nothing, it's final, it's the idea that he's forgotten or doesn't care and that this is a day like any other. It's the end, and Kurt's certain he's not ready for that.

He presses the dial button harder than is probably necessary and wipes away at the unshed tears as if Blaine would somehow be able to see them. Blaine answers after the first ring and Kurt doesn't stop to think about why that is.

'Hey.' And it's a whisper, it's nervous and soft and Kurt has sudden, violent flashbacks to a boy laying his heart on the line in front of him _there is a moment._

'Hey you.'

'I wasn't sure if you'd call.'

'Neither was I.'

It's quiet and more awkward than any of their conversations have been in a long time, but it's also familiar in a way that catches Kurt off guard, they are back to being scared little boys discovering themselves, discovering each other, discovering what it means to be in love.

'Happy Anniversary.'

'Happy Anniversary. Two years, quite a milestone.'

'Is it though. I mean we weren't really together…'

'It's two years Blaine, it doesn't matter if, strictly speaking, we're dating or not, it's been two years since we began this, whatever this is, I think we should celebrate. Don't you.'

'Of course.' Kurt can physically hear the smile in Blaine's voice, the way his lips are quirked upwards and dimples are flashing in his cheeks, he can see the crinkle of his eyes and the dip of his head as Blaine does that smile that's reserved just for Kurt, the one he does when he doesn't know what to say but it's okay because Kurt's not asking him to say anything.

'So, how was your day?'

'Fine, good, I didn't get out late because I had cheerios practice _again_.'

'I cannot believe you're back on the cheerios.'

'It's okay, Sam and I have a plan, we're gonna take Sue down.'

'You're adorable… And insane.'

'Hey I'm not the one that's crossed Santana Lopez.'

'I haven't crossed her! I just- ugh. I wanted to live in New York you know, drink coffee on the subway and discover tiny little piano bars and quaint bakeries and I did not want any part to play in Rachel's perpetual drama with her mysterious new boyfriend and whatever else is going on with her. I certainly did not factor in Santana Lopez, I just don't have time for their petty drama, I have my own life.'

'You love it really.'

'Well sometimes I'd like a break.'

They laugh easily, slipping back into that realm of light teasing and almost flirting, they've always had a way of making the most mundane things sound fascinating when they're with each other. Kurt lies back on his bed, stretching his legs out luxuriously and snuggling further back into the cushions.

'You know I miss you right?' Kurt murmurs before he realises what he's doing, they'd just gotten back into that easy stage where they pretend there's nothing heavy or unresolved hanging between them and then he pushes them back again. He's doesn't regret it though, he wants to talk to Blaine tonight, almost _needs _to, he feels like this is something special, a turning point, it's not a sudden realisation _you were only waiting for this moment to arise_ or a momentous occasion _I've been looking for you forever _but each conversation they have seems to be leading somewhere, somewhere new and shadowy and dark, but surprisingly bright Kurt likes to think. He's honestly not sure what it is, but it doesn't feel hopeless and it doesn't feel precarious, it just feels right. A light buzzing under his skin, the electric jolt he gets every time Blaine says his name, it's exciting and a little bit scary and it just feels… right.

'I miss you too.'

'No I mean I _miss_ you miss you.'

'Do you _like_ me like me too?'

'Shut up I just mean that I miss you and I miss us and I miss the thing that we are that we don't really talk about and probably shouldn't but since it's our anniversary I feel like it's okay if we do.'

'I know, you don't have to tell me and it doesn't have to be something we talk about, but I know, and I feel the same, and I respect that you feel that way but you still need time. I know.' Their voices become serious, without realising it the air becomes tense, words caught behind worried lips, fingers tightened minutely around their respective phones, but it's a smooth transition, the way they duck and dive from joking to serious in a matter of milliseconds, adjusting themselves intrinsically to one another, it's a skill they never lost, probably never will.

'What do you miss?'

'Well, I miss you telling me what you think I should wear in the mornings, I miss buying two cups of coffee instead of one, I miss your smile and the way you were always there, sometimes I don't think I appreciated the fact that at any given moment I could just reach out and find you _there, _right next to me. I miss the way you talk through movies, I miss the snide comments about other people you used to whisper in my ear and I just… I miss you, your smile and your warmth and the way you made me feel.'

'I miss everything about you, I miss the smell of that damn hair gel, I miss you pretending to hate me telling you what to wear and then wearing it any way, I miss the way you made me feel special, safe. I miss you joking with my dad, calling him sir because he always tells you not to, I miss cooking together, walking together, eating together. I miss kissing you whenever and wherever I want, because you made me a promise you'd always let me. I miss the little things that I only ever did with you, scrapbooking our lives together and planning all the fancy parties we'll have when we're friends with Hollywood actors, I miss our extreme plans for negotiating estate sales, I miss wearing each other's clothes.'

'I miss sex.'

'I miss the way you say my name.'

'I miss the way I can lean my head on your shoulder.'

'I miss the way you stand on tiptoes to kiss me.'

'I miss your laugh.'

'I miss your eyes.'

'I miss your hands.'

'I miss your ass.'

Blaine laughs, a low chuckle that sends sparks down the line and shivers down Kurt's back.

'Are we going there?'

'It is one of your most appealing assets.'

'I miss you being like this with me.'

'Do wish we could go back? Back to two years ago when everything was simple and new and happy.'

'No.'

'No?'

'I mean, that was a great part of my life, one of the best, but I think you're happier now. I'm not saying you weren't happy before and I'm not saying that I haven't hurt you recently, but back then you were coming out of a really bad place, with your dad and the bullying, transferring schools, now you just seem happier, more alive. You're living your dream, and if you're happy, then I wouldn't change a thing. And we know each other, discovering everything we liked and didn't, the way you move when my lips are on your neck or the way I shiver every time you run your fingers down my sides, it was exhilarating and wonderful and I remember the first time we held hands in public, how terrified we both were of such a mundane thing. But now I know the way that you slip your hand into mine, there's never any fumbling or awkwardness, I know exactly what to do to make you fall apart, I know when you need a hug and when I shouldn't even touch you, I know you inside out, and a much as I miss our wide eyed innocence, the way that you would blush every time I looked at you, I like the fact that we're more mature, even if it hurts.'

'Are you happier?'

'I'm happy that you're happy.'

'Blaine.'

'I think… I'm getting there.'

'I'd be happier if you were here.'

'Kurt you don't-'

'I thought we were being honest.'

'I'd be happier if I was there too. It kills me not knowing when I'll get to see you again.'

'I doesn't matter, all that matters is that at some point you will get to see me again, no matter what we mean to each other. And who knows, maybe next year we could spend our anniversary together.'

Blaine waits a very long time, so long that Kurt almost has to check that he didn't hang up, but he hears the ragged breathing coming through the line, the quiet gasp that reverberates around his mind and then the soft intake of breath before Blaine speaks again.

'Do you really mean that?'

'I think I do._'_

_I'm beginning to see the light._


End file.
